Finding Common Ground

When the problem feels unsolvable, curiosity can move things forward.

By Mike Sweeney ’93
Illustration by Adam McCauley

Think of a time when you had to choose between two radical opposites: high-paying, soul-sucking job or passion-filled work on a budget. The stability of a long-term relationship or the freedom of being single. These are times when we instinctively pick a side, and when someone disagrees with us, we can get emotionally hijacked.

These conflicts can start to sound like this: “I care about the environment.” “Oh, so you hope our economy tanks?” or “I think government efficiency is a good idea.” “Oh, so you don’t care about when workers get fired?” As the world becomes more complex and interdependent, we face more polarities—ongoing, unsolvable situations with seemingly opposing sides. Now or later, save or spend, stay or go.

The question is, when faced with one of these conflicts at home, at work, or on the international stage, how do we break free from the deadlock and finally find a solution?

As an organizational psychologist, coach, and army guy turned girl dad, I’m often face to face with paradoxical challenges. Opposing ideas are common with executives, diverse teams, and teenage daughters. And for most of my life, to be honest, I sucked at resolving these conflicts. I’d face opposing ideas, emotionally react, quickly pick a side, and then dig in for the fight. Two resources have been invaluable in helping me shift my thinking and help others find their way through unsolvable conflicts: Both/And Thinking by Wendy K. Smith and Marianne W. Lewis, and Polarity Management by Barry Johnson.

I remember facing a polarity in a heated conversation with a startup tech CEO. We were working on strategy and our relationship had been crispy for a few weeks. I wanted our strategy to be focused. He wanted it to be flexible. The conversation escalated. We were stuck with polar-opposite viewpoints. It was utterly unsolvable. Now what?

I know what you’re thinking: What about some middle ground? How about a compromise? Look, sometimes compromises can leave both sides unhappy, but it’s still worth trying for one, right?

Instead of aiming for compromise, try a “both/and” approach. “Both/and” is the secret to managing these ongoing, seemingly unsolvable, opposing conflicts. So how do we do it? Well, we have to get over two hurdles. When we face a paradox, two things happen: We fall prey to emotions leading to defensiveness, biases, and assumptions, and we pick a side. We think “either/or.”

We become blind to the strengths of an opposing point of view and immune to the weaknesses of our side. What happens to you when you hear these polarities: Gun rights or public safety; America first or global stability; choice or life? If you’re like me, your heart rate’s elevated, you’re feeling a little anxious, and maybe you feel something in the pit of your stomach, early warning signs of an emotional hijack.

Instead, I want you to hit the pause button. Think of it like a shot of liquid nitrogen to give the bomb squad a couple of seconds to get everybody to safety. The trick is knowing when to press it. For me, the telltale signs are a tightness in the center of my chest, clenching the jaws, and a propensity to interrupt. When I feel those, I know it’s time to press pause. Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response, there’s a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Once paused, it’s time to shift from Furious George to Curious George. Shift the balance from stating your point of view to inquiring about the other side’s advantages and disadvantages. Ask the other party to consider both the strengths and weaknesses of your own perspective. Get curious. With the tech CEO, a balanced “both/and” approach that incorporated focus and flexibility led to a better-functioning team, higher revenue, and a thriving business.

When faced with a pair of ongoing, unsolvable, and seemingly opposing ideas, maintaining emotional balance and asking questions might help you get over the tyranny of the “either/or.” So find your pause button and get curious. It can help you manage polarities at home and at work, and it might help all of us solve some of the global paradoxes that are all around us.

 

Mike Sweeney ’93 is a former Army officer turned executive coach who has worked for more than two decades with executives and founders to build high-performing teams and navigate through tensions. This is an excerpt from a TEDx Talk he gave in 2025 at William James College.